Peeta the Vampire
by Allium Banner
Summary: A Twilight parody where Peeta uses his amazing vampire skills to get him and Katniss out of the arena. Perfect for fans of both series. Contains foolish Katnisses and hot vampires.  Basically Peeta is a Hunger Games version of Edward.


**First I want to say that this story is a Hunger Games and Twilight crossover, and it makes a little fun of Twilight, but this isn't meant to be one of those pieces solely made to diss Twilight. I'm a Twilight fan, a bigger HG fan, but a Twilight fan too, and I believe it takes a true fan to truly make fun of something, so if you also like both of these books/series I think you'll like this story. There are also some parts from The House of Night series in here too, like the fact that they need something to cut open the skin before they can drink it and that drinking blood is a sexual thing. The rest is from Twilight.**

**Note: Also, in this story Peeta has two brothers still, but also has two sisters. Also, Peeta and Katniss are a good amount OOC, but that tends to happen when you add a vampire and a load of sarcasm into a story.**

**In the Hunger Games Arena, in the Cave**

Peeta and Katniss are sitting propped up on the cave wall, while Katniss is snuggling against him and Peeta's arm is around her. They're relaxing in perfect happiness.

"Katniss?"

"Yes?" She looks up at him.

"I haven't been completely honest with you…" Peeta can see Katniss visibly start to worry, thinking that he's about to tell her something that will ruin their love charade, well her charade at least.

"What is it Peeta?"

"I…I didn't actually grow up in District 12." He notices her relax now that she knows he's not going to say that he doesn't actually love her, and she actually laughs. "What are you laughing about?"

"Peeta, I know you're trying to loosen the mood, but it's impossible for you to have grown up anywhere else."

"Unless I grew up before the Districts were even made."

"That's over hundreds of years ago. "

"Exactly."

"What are you saying?"

"Katniss…I'm a vampire…and I'm also 1,000 years old. I was born in 2012."

"You're serious?"

"Yes…"

"EWE! I kissed an old guy!"

"No, Katniss!"

"Get out of my sleeping bag! You're like a cougar, except in an even worse way because instead of like 20 years apart you're ONE THOUSAND years older than me!"

Peeta gets out of the sleeping bag to give her some space and then looks down at her. "So you don't even care that I'm a vampire? It's the fact that I'm really old that bothers you?"

"Yes, because the fact you're a vampire I'm sure is a plus or something in the Capitol. I bet tons of guys will be getting surgery to get fangs now."

"I don't have fangs."

"Then how do you drink blood?"

"Cutting the subject with a knife and sucking the blood out."

"Wait. So your vampire abilities aren't even useful unless you have a different weapon? That is so stupid."

Peeta laughs. "That's you, Katniss, always the one thinking about survival."

"Wait. You're immortal, right?"

"Yes."

"So you can't be killed."

"Only by another vampire."

"Oh my goodness! Peeta! This is the HUNGER Games! Do you have to eat to survive?"

"Not really, just some blood once a month and I'm fine."

"Peeta, do you even realize what this means?"

"That you don't have to hunt for me as much?"

"No, that we can't lose the Hunger Games! Well, you can't. You could go walk straight into one of Cato's knives right now and come back without a scratch! That's amazing!"

"Oh no…I'm basically cheating. I hadn't even thought about that before. I bet the Game Makers are pretty mad now."

"Are you kidding me? They have vampire in the games. I bet they would even change the rule about eating other tributes for you, they're so excited. Hey, I just realized something about this."

"What?"

"You've been out in the day light with me a lot, aren't you supposed to burn in the sun or something?"

"No, it's worse."

"Worse?"

"Yeah, when I'm in the sun my skin shines like it has glitter all over it. It reminds me of a darn pixy or fire fly! I'm just lucky that the outfits we have to wear in these games cover most of my skin."

"Glitter?"

"Yes, like I'm a five year old girl's play toy."

"I'll wrap you up in a bow and give you to Prim."

"She's probably close enough to the age where that might be taken differently Katniss…"

"Oh…ok, I never said that, and just for the record, you're never allowed to be around my sister alone, got that?"

"You said it, not me."

"It's not just the weird image of you being a 'present' to my sister, but also that you're a vampire and I'm sure she's tempting and all…"

"Not as much as you."

"What?"

"Your blood smells live a French delicacy and a 5 course meal of just meats…" Peeta starts drooling, but all that Katniss catches is.

"French?"

"Oh, they were before your time, never mind."

…

**End battle by Cornucopia with Cato, Peeta and Katniss**

"Watch out Katniss! Don't worry; I'll finish him off by tearing his body to shreds." Peeta stands protectively in front of Katniss, blocking Cato's view of her.

"Not so fast, Lover Boy. I've got this." Cato shows Peeta his high-tech glove that he must have received from the backpack banquet a few days ago because it was something you wouldn't find just lying around in this arena.

"What is that?"

"I call it my Vampire Fist." Peeta stands there, shocked and wondering how Cato found out about him being a vampire, and it had to of been even before he even told Katniss because the banquet was before the night he told her. Cato starts to charge at him and before Peeta can react Cato tears Peeta's right arm off. There's no blood, just the cling sound that Peeta's arm makes as it hits the ground, just like if it were a ceramic vase.

At this moment, Katniss decides to chime in, "You're made out of ceramic?"

Peeta doesn't reply, instead he charges at Cato with super speed and pulls off his head easily with his one arm.

"Wow. That super speed has got to be nice in bed…"

"What?"

"Nothing. We won Peeta!"

"Do you have the glue?"

"Yes, right here." Katniss pulls out the super glue they received in the banquet, for reasons she doesn't know, from her backpack and hands it to Peeta. "What do you need it for?"

"You'll see." Peeta grabs his right arm from the ground, puts some glue on it, and sticks it back on to his body. After a few shoulder rolls he's as good as new. "Ok, so where's our hovercraft ride?"

That's when Templesmith makes the announcement about there only being enough room for one victor of the Hunger Games. Peeta immediately realizes what this means…they want him to win. He's sure that the Game Makers are just waiting for him to suck Katniss' blood…a romantic death…yah right, only in creepy and delusional stories is that romantic.

"Peeta…" Katniss' eyes are locked on the Vampire Fist while she says his name timidly.

"No, Katniss. Look at me," she does, "I can get us out of here. I'm fast enough to get away from anything they throw at us, and I'm strong enough to get past the barriers around this place. In one fluid motion he puts her on his back and starts running straight in one direction. After about a hundred miles, Peeta is running at his top speed and suddenly gets thrown backwards when he hits some short of force field.

As they're flung backwards Peeta and Katniss are screaming their throats out, but Peeta sees that they're about to hit the ground and immediately gets his unbreakable legs ready to hit the ground and his strong arms out to catch Katniss. Katniss groans when she lands in his arms.

Peeta sets Katniss safely on the ground, and then tells her, "Stand back. I'll break through this with my mind powers."

"Mind powers? You can't…read minds, can you?"

"Of course not, who do you think I am? Some creeper who invades people's personal thoughts? Nah, I can only lift things with my mind, you know, the usual. I think I can direct it all to this invisible wall and eventually break it through force." Peeta stands there, looking like he's constipated for close to fifteen minutes, when suddenly there's a huge alarm that blares, signaling that the barrier has been broken.

"Hurry Katniss, jump in my arms." Although, before she even has the chance to react he lifts her up into the bride's position and is running at full speed into the open woods. "One of my sisters has the ability to see the future, so they'll be meeting us at the place we're going to stop at."

"Where's that?"

"The first clearing we find as soon as we get about a thousand miles from the arena."

"You said your sister could see the future, right?"

"Yep."

"What kind of things does she see?"

"Well it depends, but it's usually things that she is watching for. She checks for stuff about me a lot. Like she saw that you were going to come to our door step starving one day and start pawing through our trash can, and she saw that I'd help you. She knew that you would go along with my strategy of the romance in the games, and she might have seen you in the shower once or twice."

"Wait. What?"

"She can't always control what she sees."

"I thought she was watching for you, not me."

"You are me. You are my life, Katniss. I have lived a thousand years and I've never seen somebody as perfect as you."

"Cut the bull crap. You're starting to reek of cheese Peeta!"

"It's the truth."

"Yeah, why don't you go swoon the romance novel-aholic girls in District Twelve and save me the drama?"

"Fine, fine, wow, you're feisty."

"Uh, so your sister is like a stalker on steroids?"

"I've never heard it put that way before, but I suppose, yes." Suddenly Peeta stops and Katniss has to close her eyes to calm down the dizziness she's going through. "Ok, we're here."

"Where?"

"First clearing that's one thousand miles away from the arena."

"But you've only been running for about five minutes!"

He sets her down and then says, "I'm faster than the speed of light," and winks at her.

Katniss rolls her eyes at him and replies, "Yah, right. Stop pulling my leg, Peeta. This is serious! We need to start running again so that we can get away from the Peace Keepers that are probably on our trail right now!"

"I'm being serious Katniss! We really are at the rendezvous point."

With this Katniss starts patting her body and checking every limb. "What are you doing, Katniss?"

"Making sure none of my Vidal organs came out because there's no way I could of travelled that fast and not have lost something."

"Peeta grabs her hand and starts studying her nails. "Looks like you lost the rest of your flame nail polish."

At this moment Katniss bursts out laughing because out of all the things to be talking about in a moment like this, nail polish was not a subject she would have thought to talk about, but her thoughts are stopped abruptly by a strong wind that blows her hair into her face.

"What was that?"

"My family. They usually follow Rye, but he sucks at navigating, so they over shot us. Paisley, my stalker sister, will correct them and turn back."

"I am NOT a stalker Peeta! You know I hate that name!"

Suddenly there's a girl, about 18, with slightly brown, but mostly golden, long hair standing in front of Peeta and Katniss.

"Sorry, it's what she knows you as, you know that, Paisley. You've probably been watching our whole conversation this whole time."

"Well, I wasn't watching when you broke through the barrier because it broke my connection, but otherwise, yes."

"You've been watching us this whole time?"

"Yes, Katniss," she answers proudly.

Peeta rolls his eyes and tell his sister, "Yeah, you're not a stalker at ALL."

"Oh! I'm going to-!" She starts to lung for Peeta, but is stopped by a blonde woman just a little taller than Paisley.

"You stupid children stop it! The government's out to get us and, of course, all you two can think about is yelling at each other! Sheesh, Greyer, why did we ever decide to bite ourselves children?"

The rest of Peeta's family has now arrived, and Katniss watches Peeta's father as he answers his wife, "Because I was lonely, honey." Mrs. Mellark must not be the smartest bulb in the basket because after her husband's diss on her she continues to smile like she won some argument.

After a few minutes of everybody getting settled in the small clearing Katniss can now see the way things normally are with the Mellarks. Mrs. and Mr. Mellark are on the far side of the clearing having a heated debate, the older brother and sister, named Barley and Daffey, are cuddled together on a rock romantically, and Paisley and Rye are off kissing in the woods.

"Peeta?" Katniss asks him questioningly.

"Yeah?"

"Are…are all of your siblings 'together'?"

"Yes," he replies like it is the most normal thing to say ever.

"What do you mean? Isn't that illegal?"

"In case you haven't noticed, a lot of things my family does is illegal. Us being alive is illegal, plus you can't have incest if you're not really related. Our parents say that they've adopted us, but there are no papers, and even if there were at one time they're all ashes now. This was an easier way for our coven to stay together. You'll be our newest sister, wherever we go next."

"What? But I'm-I'm not a-"

"I know, and I want to keep it that way, but it's still easier to explain our situation to the new people we'll be living around if we just say we're family."

"Wait. You don't want me to be a vampire?"

"Of course not Katniss! Look at me!" Katniss looks him up and down.

"All I see is a hot guy who has super hunting abilities and basically the key to survival. That's all I've ever wanted. To survive, and now you're keeping it from me!"

"You don't want this survival Katniss."

"Oh you're so stupid!" In a fit of rage she grabs a sharp rock from the ground and cuts the inside of her wrist. "Drink my blood!"

"Katniss. There's complications and-" He doesn't get another word out before Katniss has shoved her cut wrist in between his teeth. Suddenly, she's hit with a feeling of joy and excitement so that all she wants is Peeta. Wanting him closer, she picks up the rock again and cuts her neck, right above a thick vein, and caught by the temptation of new blood Peeta immediately starts sucking her neck.

"Oh Peeta…" Katniss groans in a small voice, since she is getting exhausted fast.

"No!" Peeta pushes her back and they have both now fallen onto the forest floor and are breathing heavily.

"Why-why did you stop?"

"Because drinking blood sets off a sexual want and I don't think I would have been able to stop later if I hadn't now."

"Wait, but if you keep going I become a vampire? Suck my blood again Peeta!"

"No. If I keep going you'll die. Right now you're already changing and it's going to feel like some old lady's continuously pounding you with a broom for the next three days."

"What? But-Uhhh!" Katniss falls to the ground in pain, and now that she's thrashing and moaning from pain, Peeta picks her up and the whole family sets off for England, where there is no Panem and hopefully they'll be able to live normal lives again, well as normal as a family of vampires can be.

**That's the end of my parody! Please tell me what you think in a wonderful review! Tell me what your favorite line was in this! Mine was "Cut the bull crap, you're starting to reek of cheese!"**


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